


I'm Me!...Right?

by TheTrueSnowQueen



Series: Roxas Exploration [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Can memories be trusted?, Gen, Headaches, Roxas is a lil fucked up after everything, Roxas is broken, mirrors are not friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:40:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21579289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTrueSnowQueen/pseuds/TheTrueSnowQueen
Summary: There's bound to be some issues left over after everything he's been through. Unfortunately, instead of just feeling distant and numb...this time his head decided to go somewhere else.
Series: Roxas Exploration [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1547815
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	I'm Me!...Right?

The morning started pretty much normal for the Nobody, at least normal since his release from Sora’s Heart. Once again, he’s up early, woken by the growing pain on the right side of his head with tears still clinging to his lashes and obscuring his vision from the mix of the pounding in his head and the remnants of whatever dream he’d had before waking. There was a quick attempt to suppress the pain, to allow himself to be claimed by sleep’s embrace. An attempt that’s in vain, as it does nothing but continue to let him the way his temple seems to pound. 

The usual routine.

Nothing changed as he hissed curse under his breath and a hand reaching up to ensure that he couldn’t see the ever present rays of light as he frees himself of the blanket nest he had made.There’s no telling which nightmare had woken him, only that it was one that had that fresh heart beating like thunder within his chest. Still though, he tried recalling it as bare feet slid along the floor towards cold tile.

Water was cupped in his hands, splashed on his face in an attempt to soothe the heat burnin at his temple from the migraine. Coffee was a major consideration for a moment, as the caffeine would probably help. Or at the very least it was until eyes he wasn’t aware he closed opened, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Except...whose visage was in the mirror wasn’t his own.

Instead, Sora’s face greeted him, bearing his own stunned expression. His heart sounded like it was going to beat out of his chest with the way the thrumming jumped and his throat went dry as if he had been to Agrabah. Immediately, Roxas was squeezing his eyes shut, taking in shallow breaks as his stomach began to roll about. He stayed braced against his sink, knuckles turning white as he tried to talk himself out of what he thought he saw. 

An eye cracked open, shutting immediately when it still seemed like Sora was looking back at him. Another pitch in his stomach followed, though he barely registered it. No, all he could feel was the panic racing through his veins, the despair he would never voice and the pain pounding at his head. If he didn’t know any better, he might have assumed he was looking through his Other’s eyes once more. 

With his second attempt at peeking into the mirror came a sigh of relief, however short lived his relief was. “Just my brain playing tricks..I’m me. Not Sora.” Mumbled quietly, a soft reminder to himself. Instead of Sora, his appearance was as is should have been. Wide cerulean eyes, dark lashes, and flattened honey coloured spikes, with usually peachy skin dotted with freckles. A little paler than normal, but that was likely due to the pain camping behind his left eye as well as the anxiety which still coursed through him. He actually looked like himself again. 

‘You mean you look like Ventus. With Sora’s freckles of course.’ 

The voice slithered from the back of his mind, causing his veins to feel like ice. Swallowing carefully, he tried to blow out a breath to release his anxiety. Instead though, his stomach churned at the same time as he pushed himself from the rim of the sink. Every breath he took in seemed thinner, though he tried to ignore it. 

However, it was as if the little voice found glee in his discomfort. In the back of his head, he heard a small laugh, one that sounded like his own if more sinister. Another swallow left a lump in his throat, even as he tried to push himself back towards the sink to wash his face more, to finish his morning routine. If he could just do that...he could go back to bed. Could go try and drown out the growing knot in his stomach. Maybe washing his face would wash the voice away. 

That hope ended up being in vain. For a few minutes he had sat there, rubbing the soap on his face, scrubbing almost and still that little voice persisted. Slithering around his head and leaving him feeling nauseous. So it was with great frustration that he rinsed his face and stormed towards the kitchen. It felt almost like a Hammer Frame was using his temple as a playground given the way it throbbed. Blurring his vision on one side enough that he just closed both eyes and felt his way towards where he wished to go. Even the soft rays of eternal twilight shining through the living room worsened the pain. 

He felt like he was going to be sick between the pain and the ball of anxiety in his chest. Still, he reached for a glass, searching for something. Anything. To ground him. To make him know he was him, he wasn't in Sora. That he was real and that he was hone rather than buried, feeling from someone else's heart. 

‘Is there really anything about you that can be called you? That doesn’t belong to someone else?’ 

Another pitch of his stomach, causing his fingers to draw away from his cupboard. His headache began to pound worse, forcing his breath out in shaky gasps. At this point he knew that little voice was just taunting him. But...but that was such a tender spot for him to start. And hearing his own voice in his head say as much left ice in his veins.  
Roxas tried to draw in a breath, tried to find a rebuttal. There was plenty that was his wasn't there? His feelings were his own..His memories...though those he was unsure if they were reliable. His fighting style, his name? Suddenly it seemed like none of that was his, despite him trying not to let that anxiety bite into him once more. 

‘It’s why you see Sora when you look in the mirror after all. Think about it, you’ve never been anything more than a collection of other people’s traits.’ 

“That’s not true..” Even as he mumbled it, quiet enough that even he had trouble hearing it, his stomach lurched and tears began to burn at his eyes. That wasn't true. It couldn't be. He...he wasn't Ventus. Wasn't Sora. He was him. He was Roxas. 

‘Aw, it’s cute that you try and deny it. But you can’t lie to yourself Roxas.’ 

Maybe not, but he refused to give the slithering voice his acceptance. Since being drawn from Sora's heart and put back on his own two feet, he had found this little voice slithering through his head fairly often. And try as he might to ignore it...it always found a way to latch into him once more. 

‘Everything you are came from someone else blondie. Thought you told everyone that you were well aware of what you were?’ 

Every breath at this point was coming out thin. No. No it was wrong. He had accepted being nothing more than a cheap imitation of Sora. But.. but Sora didn't believe that, didn't see that. So why did he feel like it was the truth? Sure he still considered himself a Nobody..but there was no way he was nothing but slapped together pieces of other people. No. 

He absolutely refused to believe that. Or at least he wanted to. Yet with the way his heart sank in defeat, he didn't know what to say. So instead he just squeezed his eyes shut, reaching for the little x shape pendant which rested between his collarbones. Just gripping it, feeling the points prick into his palm and fingers. In the same breath, he renewed his search to find evidence that the voice was wrong. His feelings for Xion...those weren't someone else's right? Or...or were they only a thing because of Sora's interest in Kairi? No no no. That couldn't be. Could it? 

If that wasn't his what was? His keyblades were Sora's at first so they weren't even his. But….Aubade? Surely that was his. After all, he didn't even share that with Xion. So..so that was something. Then again, he didn't even know whether or not that was real. 

'Oh poor boy. How do you even know your memories are yours?'

Another slither of that voice in his head, another lurch of his stomach and then the hand not gripping onto his pendant, clutching it for dear life rose to his mouth in a balled up fist. It had a point and he hated it. Once before already, someone else's memories had burned behind his eyelids, flickering when he tried to enter the throes of sleep.  
And once before, his entire life had been falsified. Memories that had never been, of a life never had had filled his head. Those same memories mixed with what..what he thought were his true memories and those of another that were..or should have been the memories of his true self. They plagued his dreams. But how could he trust any of that.. How could he trust his feelings, his memories, his senses when they had already been tricked once before? Other than those...was there any proof that he had any memories of his own? 

'Realize you're not real yet? Face it Roxas, you've always been an imitation made of false memories. Can you even trust that thing beating in your chest? How do you know it's there at all?'

His fingers gripped tighter onto the pendant, the metal biting into him. Not enough to puncture but enough that signals of pain tried to zing to his brain. Unfortunately..the pain in his head and the sickening roll of his stomach prevented him from getting the message.  
By now the tears had begun to slip, dripping down his cheeks as he started to hyperventilate. His heart beat so hard in his chest he thought it might burst. Or...would it? Was the voice right? Was it even real?.. what about him was real?!

A choked sob burst from his chest, though he had tried to bite it back. Whether the sob was frustration or despair he didn't know. What he did know was that when the first one slipped, more followed. Violent things that shook him, burned his throat and made more tears drip down his face, increasing the pounding in his head. 

"Shut up. Shut up. No no no. I'm real." Through his sobs, Roxas tried to choke that out like a mantra. It only succeeded in bringing him more tears though. The fist in front of his mouth reached up to grip at his hair, tangling in the honeyed locks. He was real! He had to be. The pain in his head, the way his throat burned and stomach churned...he was real and the emotions which squeezed his chest had to be. 

Right?

**Author's Note:**

> I've always had the HC that Roxas would have migraines as an after effect from the combination of his False Twilight Town memories, his real Organization memories and Sora's memories that he got in the beginning of KH2. Besides that, it's my theory that prior to him and Sora being separated, Roxas still clung to them being different people despite mostly accepting it so he could see and hear and all through Sora. Unfortunately there's bound to be some after effects of that. Expect more of Roxas dealing with things or dissassociating.


End file.
